So, as everyone I’ve ever interacted with knows--I am in a stand-up comedy class. I’m currently addicted to show-ponying poorly structured jokes around like I own anything other than massive amounts of student debt. To the delight of my friends and distant acquaintances, I describe myself as belonging to “The Industry” (The Industry being one Zoom performance, one open mic, and a lifetime of brain damage via social media overuse). It’s a little absurd that I don’t have an agent or book deal by now right?
ANYWAY!
Since we live in the world of late-stage capitalism it’s kind of my whole jawb as a creator (person with internet access) to come up with a persona/personality that people “like.” This is kind of the task of a lifetime since I’ve simultaneously spent my whole life desperate to be liked and considered “cool.” This is kind of the conversation I hope to explore in the stand-up set I’m performing in my class show (don’t hold me to this--last time I totally rewrote the whole set the night before because I’m gorgeously chaotic).
So I’ve spent the past few weeks figuring out how exactly I want to come across on stage. This is kind of horrifying because this means I have to take time to reflect. I’ve brainstormed beautifully embarrassing concepts such as “the girl next door that your parents make you hang out with,” “thoughtful dumbass,” “sexually-obsessed,” and “young adult novelist.”
All of these exaggerated aspects of who I currently am miss the mark a little... Like almost every person I know, I want to be considered: hot, funny, smart, and friendly. Can this be communicated in a nervous smile or a sultry smize? How does the perfect person present themselves? After bingeing a season of America’s Next Top Model, I’ve come to the brave conclusion that if I was skinny this would be way easier. There’s a part of me that will always feel tethered to the fat little sister label--which is an earnest, vulnerable, and beautiful person to be!
Right now I’ve taken on this caricature of a woman who desperately wants to be adored and loved--much to the annoyance of my close friends that DM me and beg me to stop. Like, how am I not going to post a Facebook text meme that incorporates suicidal ideation AND a craving for sexual desirability? My Instagram explore page and friends know this style of meme so well the memes seem to find me!
I also feel like a lot of who I am is made up of what I’m currently consuming. My friends let me know that they think that I’m overextending myself. I try to read 100 books a year (18 of them are the Pretty Little Liar series), subscribe to like twenty weekly podcasts, and read every article and newsletter that kind of interests me which isn’t even including my social media consumption. I’m also recently addicted to reading tabloids I rented from the library. I’ve created a curriculum of consumption for myself in postgrad.
I always felt like an ABC special when I was in college because the things I was studying in school conveniently always applied to whatever was immediately happening in my life--but is that just because those materials and instructors gave me a lens to look at things through? (If you can’t tell, I studied English and Gender Studies in college). I want to expose myself to new worlds and conversations and that self-inflicted pressure kind of leaves me feeling like a simulation that only exists online and who doesn’t take part in any “real” world relationships.
Not only does who I am hinge on what I’m being introduced to, but I also feel like I constantly have to remind myself of who I was. I don’t know if I just have the memory of a goldfish after years of reading Tweets while high or what. I reread my diary entries, finsta posts, tweets, and I sort through my overflowing memory box every few months. I have to remind myself of everything I’ve lived through and loved because so much happens in a life and I’m scared to lose any minute of it. Does that mean that I’m just the events that happen to me and I’m an archivist of a personality that I’ve constructed?
God, as usual, I don’t have any answers. I’ll just go on stage and let it happen.
Comentarios