Yes, we are three weeks into 2022 and I am going to talk about resolutions. I was/am obsessed with the concept of rebranding myself. #GirlBossery has claimed another victim. It allows me to brainstorm how to get the most people to like me. If I’m rebranded I get to be consumed by a whole new group of people.
My previous state of being consisted of being identified as “nice.”
Over the past five-ish years, I’ve drifted away from performative kindness towards cunty self-centeredness (ask my mom...).
Everything about me has been an aspiration and so much of who I was has been forgotten. So, I’m craving a change.
I thought I’d find that change in a nutritional supplement that enhances lactation and makes you smell (and taste…wink wink) like maple syrup. I’m not breastfeeding anyone (at the moment) so it was a shot in the dark at DIY tiddy augmentation.
Unfortunately, like most health shortcuts you find outside of FDA approval, the main difference I noticed after five days was diarrhea (skinny!) and fatigue.
Now I’m out seven dollars and only vaguely smell like syrup (eating pancakes would have done the same thing).
Next on my personal rebrand list was to focus-slash-work on my vulnerability.
Allegedly I am an unloving piece of shit. Now I work out while reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly and prepare for bed by reading bell hooks’ All About Love. I’ve even started telling people I love them (rolls eyes and pukes all over the floor). Wisconsin’s first thaw will take place in my hollowed-out heart. I can hear my inner gremlins clawing for affirmation.
What does this hunt for vulnerability look like?
I’ve prescribed myself walks outside (it’s hell on the ears and sinuses). Staring out windows until I see spots. Telling people I love them–in person is always better than over text. Being honest with myself–without being cruel. Deleting social media apps–without posting about my departure from being Chronically Online. Writing bad blog posts so that I can prove that I’m capable of commitment! I’m trying to spend less energy on being someone people can love and become a person that loves people. Does that make sense?
Imagine that I’m singing the moral to almost every Christmas movie: “It’s so much better to give than receive.”
There’s so much unworthiness thrust upon and force-fed to us (there’s the Brene popping out). I’m tired of telling myself I have to earn food, earn love, earn rest. We’re all born worthy. It’s a gift to share and give love. So, I suppose 2022 is teaching me to listen?
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