self-assigned: do y'all even like this?

Happy Scorpio Season haters and losers!

I’m sorry my weekly blog post has become a bi-monthly promise to produce more (look at the post's cover art to get a peak into my gorgeous brain). I’m in the process of “resetting” my life. Would Judith Butler and my friends hate me if I said I’m trying to become “that girl” through green juice and gender performance…….?

This process of "resetting" includes shedding my leaves (NAWT a euphemism for shaving my pubes I promise you pervs) and bracing for Hot Girl Hibernation (aka eating a fuck ton, wearing comfy clothes, and snuggling as much as possible). I’m sorry I’m obsessed with parentheses. It makes me feel like I’m filming a confessional in a reality TV show. Can you tell I've been watching a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? (Unrelated but I used to see myself as a Season 1 Kyle but now I'm like am I Brandi? Discuss in the comments).

These past few Milwaukee months have been a little bit of a survival mode (someone even called me Bear Grylls…). I was not going anywhere past the first or second floor of Miss Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (otherwise known as the bottom of Abby Lee Miller's pyramid a la Dance Moms).

I only ate Cheetos and frappuccinos (which, kind of an iconic skinny girl move that I would love to reintegrate into my life). Paris Hilton and her purse-sized pup would be proud of me.

I stayed up late and snoozed my alarm as many times as possible (**the worst part of waking up is no one appreciating my D cups**–sing that like a Folger's commercial please). I slacked on personal hygiene (not in a nasty gal way I promise. It just was not up to the par I expect for myself...I could never do anything gross or undesirable). I was also atrocious at interpersonal dynamics. Call me combative and cranky if you must.

I endured a UTI, a Covid scare, and an unrequited crush (not ranked in order of most distressing–all resulted in tears obviously).

Needless to say, it is TIME for a big girl shake up!

Iconically, most of my life improvement tips are from TikTok.

The TikTok accounts “The Jarr” and “sunflowercatholic” introduced me to my two favorite strategies for navigating personal crises. They are: making rules for each day and using the app Routinery.

The Jarr (also known as Eli Rallo or @eli.rallo on Instagram) makes rules for every day of the week, every event, and almost every moment a modern girlie goes through. My roommate and I attach ourselves to our phones every time she drops a new TikTok. Eli’s getting a master's in journalism at an #ivy currently and I’m 89% sure she’s about to start an MFA program when she graduates? So basically she’s a hot girl English major’s weeeet dream. Rose and I call her an ally and a friend.

So, I have decided to dedicate the entire week to following Eli’s rules for each day. It has turned out fabulous so far. I’m addicted to ignoring your crush Tuesdays, Hot Girl Walk Mondays, and lying (is this when I insert the meme that says all I do is eat hot chips and lie?). Since it’s only Wednesday I can’t really speak to anything else that happens this week but this is one of the many cons of on-the-ground journalism.

Sunflowercatholic has one video that introduced me to the timed app “Routinery.” It basically gamifies being a person. Which is everything I need. If I go even one minute without feeling like a Sim that someone else is in charge of... I have to lie down and play Switch for two days.

Currently my morning and night routines are an hour long. Some major habits I’ve picked up are quick showers every night, washing the dishes for 15-minutes every night, making my bed every morning, journaling twice a day, and reading a chapter of Trauma Stewardship before bed. Don’t worry–I am maintaining my Duolingo habit. Not to be brave and vulnerable, but over the weekend I lost my 72-day streak so I am back to basics and just have a 2 day streak right now.

Do you have any routines or daily habits you want to add to your life? Is it time I talk about Jia Tolentino and optimization?

I have big plans for things I want to work towards and one of them is that I’m hoping I can actually get my butt in front of this laptop and write blog posts more regularly. What is it about writing that makes me cringe right now? Am I started to feel the ever-elusive shame that Mary McLoughlin never stops talking about? Do you guys like blog posts like this? I’m in a honeymoon phase with my habits so things could and will be way less put together in like 72 hours. My horoscope app said that Thursday and Friday are big wake-up days for me “cosmically.”

Maybe I’ll see you next week with something literary and interesting. But it'll probably be more word vomit.