I wanted to write my musings about anger and resentment. Do these emotions simmer over obligation or unspokenness?
I’m taking sips of the post-covid renaissance and joy is bubbling into overflow in the desert. New friends, new guidelines, and new holds onto hope.
Relationships are being redefined and our promises to each other are being renegotiated.
I’m a few days away from hugging people I talk to every day and haven’t seen in over a year. The caverns between who I am online and who I am in the world demand distinguishing once again.
I’ve made it through the year with the help of extensive screen time and hiding behind humor. It’s easy for me to perform earnestness between laughs.
For almost six years I have used a finsta and private snapchat story to communicate loneliness, desperation, and anger to the annoyance and delight of my friends.
I aspire for my honesty to be entertaining. Taking parts of who I hope to be seen as allows for a false sense of control. I’m just a character in need of a story arc.
My call for more of myself is why I behave according to articles and advice. My personhood is a work in progress instead of an accepted fact of being alive.
This disconnect enables me to see myself as outside of the world. Because of my insecurities and discomfort in having a body I build distance. In my childhood they called this imagination.
And yet, this disconfort forces me into existing as the sum of others' approval. I can only be angry if it’s okay. It must first be okay for me to be anything. And once again I see myself as an anything instead of an anyone.
Validation is more addicting than mango nicotine.
Idk, read Jia Tolentino’s book Trick Mirror. She said it way better.
Validation is addictive but it’s good for us. I almost said “in moderation,” which is pretty much my fallback for talking about anything remotely vice-like, but we can truly never be too validated, as long as we define validation as having our desires, emotions, experiences, and urges recognize as making sense and/or being relatable. I think /seeking/ validation too much and letting it be the only bolster beneath our self esteems is where moderation is needed. But all of this from a therapy addict, who’s self image turned a 180° for the better because I performed hotness in a specific way for just the right people and they “validated” me into being appropriately prideful of my hotness.
Amazing!!