"i assumed you had a crush on me"

What’s it like to have a crush on everyone? How can you be friends with people you aren’t fond of? Can my heart hold more than it has to? I write about everyone I’ve ever met and wonder if I can share these thoughts with them. Nobody wants to just be an entry. I think I stole that line from Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Next week I will be performing my first stand-up set (over Zoom...in my bedroom...kind of like an emotional camgirl?). The topic I’ll most likely be covering--unless the muses strike and a better idea crashes into my migraine-riddled brain--is crushes.

I adore having a crush on someone. It fills the gut I usually hate with champagne bubbles and imagination. The most accurate depiction of the glee I feel when I have a crush happened at the beginning of February.

My roommates and I drove to a coffee shop with outdoor seating to write letters, practice for interviews, and gossip. After our iced coffees had roiled into restlessness we abandoned one roommate to browse a gift shop.

Taken aback by the beauty brought into the world by local artists, I only kind of noticed the cute curly brown hair spilling off the top of the cashier’s head. We talked about him being a poet and wanting a typewriter. He shared other details about his couponing habits and things far too identifiable to share on even a poorly trafficked blog.

Flooded with glee, I drove off into the pastel pink sunset dreaming about future smooches and secrets shared. Since we’re both “writers” we could even co-author a collection of poems together. It’d be sickeningly creative and inspired.

I was lost in a joy ride and Lady Gaga and basking in what my best friend Drake calls “the best part of a crush.” They explain, “When the crush is all joy and no information.”

The crash back to earth when I discovered he was melodramatic and more than comfortable sharing break-up DMs on main was humbling. I was reminded that he’s not a concept or character arc to piece into my free-written narrative but instead a person with complexities and narrative liberties of his own.

My friends make fun of me for falling in love fast. It’s a little absurd because I canonically despise being in a relationship, so naturally, I treat all the friendships in my life like we are in one.

I crave affirmation and, after sixteen years of Catholic school drilling shame and the Golden Rule into me, I am a swirling mess of frustration and abundance. I operate under the belief that if I have a crush on someone and sharing this revelation can only create embarrassment for me, it’s best, to be honest!

Let the person know how you feel and learn how to handle rejection with grace and good humor. Having a crush is a temporary state of possibility and adoration. I know so many lovely and beautiful people that I think everyone should have a crush on. If anything, crushes are fun and flattering!

Hopefully, you can make it to my Stand Up 101 Class Showcase :D Monday, April 12th at 8 pm Eastern. I’ll have equally earnest but much funnier opinions and stories to share about my crushes.