dizzy bitch

Okay disclaimies time...I too can’t believe I’m writing about this LOL! An existential crisis of this caliber famously usually happens in the winter when I’m in the middle of the trendy AF seasonal depression and only see the sun on a screen. However, I was knocked on my ass by a five day migraine last week and was bravely forced to lie in bed, get dizzy, and chug soup and Gatorade (not sponsored but my roommates said I was weird for liking Club crackers? They’re literally salty and ahmazing when they get soggy...).

Is my inability to eat food normally or go to bed at human hours to blame for this migraine? Maybe it’s my addiction to social media and digital affirmation? And no, I won’t stop asking my finsta followers if they hate me. I haven’t “written” in like six days and I definitely keep asking my friends and family to put me down like a racehorse with a broken leg. Everyone tells me I need to work on stress management. Apparently my method of choice isn’t a viable option (pushing things down until I cry at work and have a stress headache that throbs against my eye until I can’t see). Because of that #selfcare plan I spent the weekend in bed listening to audiobooks at 2x speed and killing the cockroaches that keep showing up in our house because we live in the hashtag desert and all of God’s creatures are gorgeous!!

I made a dizzy bitch playlist because that’s all I am anymore (FYI if I exist in a state of being for more than three days it’s all I can remember. I’m like a goldfish that way.). I’m listening to Rina Sawayama (Chosen Family obvi), Lorde (Ribs duh), and …. Bleachers aka J*ck Ant*noff (my friend Claud is holding a knife to my throat right now). My brother’s girlfriend Shannon is my go to medical professional and she told me to take meclizine for my migraine induced vertigo which is commonly sold as “Motion Sickness Relief” (it was shocking to me that it’s not just a Phoebe Bridgers song that’s also on my dizzy bitch playlist). My bestie Elyse is going to pick it up at Walgreens (is there a possessive? I honestly don’t know…) and hopefully I can go back to being a capitalist cog by working at a nonprofit?

My time in El Paso is quickly coming to a close and I fuhcking hatette. I want to cry for all the fun times I’m missing out on. Like, why did I lose my breath and start crying when I touched the doorknob to meet up with friends? It’s not like my life is hard right now and it’s not going to get easier. Things should be manageable and I have all the resources to be thriving and conniving!! I’m planning to work two jobs starting in August and I still want to write my book! Why hasn’t science figured out how to help a hot girl? Joe Biden, this is me and my heaving breasts BEGGING you for student loan forgiveness.

This is such a messy post but I’m taking a breathwork break every 3 minutes so my vision doesn’t get spotty. Isn’t that gorgeous? I’m munching on a PB&J and what’s left of my Goldfish crackers. It feels like everyone I know has an eating disorder. Fat activists and Anti-Diet/Health at Every Size peeps are screaming, “That’s because of diet culture! Everyone’s eating IS disordered!” Christy Harrison and Virgie Tovar’s podcasts are on hiatus and Sonya Renee Taylor is in New Zealand so they can’t come to the phone right now so I’ll fill in for them with my “takes.” Bravely, I am going to admit that I hate eating right now. Literally everything in my mouth feels like worms (that’s what she said?) and I just want to be skinny. Obvi that’s not in the cards so I set a timer to go off every three hours so I remember to eat. I’m like a trained dog (bitch) that way.

Claire McHugh is kind of a genius and she taught me about keeping a journal about my anxiety/migraine triggers and habits. She said it’s important to keep track of what habits make me feel a certain way. She recommends making loose to-do lists that include things you “have” to “do” and things that make you feel good! I’m obsessed with anything that gives me an excuse to make a list AND talk to Claire so I’ll keep you posted.

Do something that makes you feel like a person today! I Facetimed my little sister Annie and washed 50% of the dishes in my house’s sink. Maybe I’ll even watch an episode of Ziwe later...life’s kind of a journey that way!

Mwah!