Readers…if you have talked to me for even a minute in the past six days then you are well aware that I am now the proud owner of a housing bubble-burst blue 2008 Toyota Rav4!!!!!
I legiterally feel like Malibu Barbie driving by the beach with a longboard in my backseat.
Unfortch, the excitement got to me and I bought a Lychee Ice Posh. Every time I start vaping again my sinuses catch on fire (and Drake hisses that I’m putting metal in my lungs). I thought Miss Coco had foiled me again but I took two rapid tests and was negative each time (is it stupid of me to sleep open-mouthed next to the air conditioning window unit?).
At least my ravaged thrussy gives me an excuse to pound mango smoothies at work…
What else is new these days?
My sweet sweet coworker gave me a lecture on protecting my heart when I’m young. She shared that I shouldn’t date around and should wait to date until I meet someone that I really really like and I see myself spending the rest of my life with them. This is truly the opposite of what everyone has told me and the teensiest bit traditional but I’m nothing if not trad-wife material (LOL).
But…it is a sweet spoonful of confirmation bias that my avoidant tendencies towards dating are actually wise beyond my years! This is devastating news for my friends that endure hours of me complaining about being lonely while they have to bite their tongue so they don’t tell me that I wouldn’t be lonely if I made even an ounce of effort.
Now that my IUD is fully functioning and I’m not hemorrhaging my body weight in blood I keep telling myself that this summer is the time to be sexy and free (a la Jessie J boots the dominos down). I’ve texted Drake and Elyse that I have an IUD, a car, and a dream house—all I need is someone to share it with!
This is nuts of me to say because I’m not entirely sure that I’m at a place in my life where I would be an ideal or even adequate partner to anyone.
While I’ve checked off some of my essentials (having a car has empowered me to want to go on more dates now that I won’t rely on public transit or the person I’m dating for a ride) I’m not sure if I’ve checked off enough emotional stability boxes. I very much need to further investigate my attachment issues (somehow I’ve become the gorgeous margarita mix of avoidant and anxious). I texted Anna Edwards a podcast episode about attachment styles and it is life-changing (and by life-changing I mean it’s approachable and informative).
I also want to become better equipped to deconstruct intrusive thoughts. God knows I am so fucking annoying when I don’t receive male attention and it spirals into me sobbing that I will die alone (which…why in this fantasy is the only balm to loneliness a romantic relationship??? My middle school diary is full of proclamations that I will NEVER be married).
I also have to figure out this whole sexuality thing…
The elephant in the room is whether or not I am “queer” (insert homophobic dog meme).
Not to be a Catholic but it brings me a lot of shame and embarrassment to actually think about my love life. Like, why the hell is it sooo embarrassing to be vulnerable and admit that you love someone romantically? I have no problem telling my friends that I love them to the moon and back but the minute a kiss is involved I feel the need to crawl into my clavicle and pray that the ground collapses beneath us.
I keep telling myself I need to read more about being gay but then I’m like isn’t this exactly what Good Will Hunting is about? I can’t read myself into living the life of my dreams for God's sake! I have to make the choice to live it.
Same thing with straight dating. I can keep reading every essay, article, and book containing the top tips and analyzing the sociological implications of dating in the contemporary world but none of those hours spent reading will matter until I DO SOMETHING about it. And apparently reading about something is not the same as actually doing it. Literally whatever!
I can’t decide if I want to go on more dates and turn myself into the Carrie Bradshaw of the Cream City or if I should heed my coworker's advice and my gut instinct (when I word it like that it seems pretty obvious that I should listen to my gut but my therapist and I can go on for hours about whether or not that gut feeling is fear hijacking my nervous system or if it’s actually what I want deep down).
Sorry for the broken record dear readers. Imagine how the people that live with me feel!
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