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Thotz

Hey there besticles with and without testicles! How’s everyone’s first half of the spring season going? I took a month-long sabbatical from blogging and I am paws-itively paws up for these 7 pm sunsets (daylight savings almost made me forget what the outside of my bedroom looked like—and nawt in a frisky flirty fun way).

It’s taken an entire menstrual cycle for me to get back to regurgitating my thotz into a semi-longform format so I should probably catch y’all up…

Currently, I am trying my darndest to become a hot girl barista/bartender this summer (I need to re-pierce my nose and look into getting a tattoo sleeve before the interviews for sure). I debated buying a pocket-sized book about coffee at the Barnes and Noble checkout counter—but I’m an internet-savvy motherfucker so I saved my money and queued up a few YouTube vids on cold brew (then used the money I saved to buy an iced macchiato). My absolute dream is to be paid to be sloppily dressed in cool-girl jeans and flipping through a coffee-stained paperback.

Should I mention that in the interview?

If any of y’all has been a barista OR a bartender before please hit me UP with all of your tips and tricks. I was a barista for like one and a half semesters at the Au Bon Pain in a college food court so you can say I’m familiar with the gourmet cup of joe scene. I’m also signed up to take a four-hour liquor handling license so if anyone wants to try out some of my original cocktails LMK.

I’m also on the last leg of the application process to become a substitute teacher! I’m nowhere near as disciplined or hot as Gregory on breakout hit Abbott Elementary but I definitely would like to be!

God, another major update is that I am back in therapy!

Bi-weekly chats with my therapist (I’ve been trying to think of a fun nickname for her that doesn’t include any identifying details and all I can come up with is thera-pissed) have introduced me to some major soul-searching/personality defining questions (it is devastating because she refuses to give me concrete answers and continues to say that I’m the only person that can give myself the answers. Major yuck!).

Obviously, a huge chunk of my brain is dedicated to the concept of dating (no matter how little I partake in it). After our first hour together my therapissed was able to discern that I used a lot of “shoulds'' when talking about dating and almost zero “wants.” So my homework for right now is to figure out where those shoulds are coming from and whether the dread I feel before going on dates is coming from a place of fear that needs to be explored or if I genuinely just don’t want to date anyone.

Wouldn’t it be incredibly easy for me to simply ignore the entire thing and just order another vibrator and avoid intimacy forever?

Apparently, that’s leading to a lot of emotional blocks…which, literally whatever!

So, if you see me aimlessly wandering the Milwaukee Riverwalk blasting Chelsea Cutler (shout out to Emily Cumiskey for reigniting my standom) you should go to my “wellness” Pinterest board and pull questions from the shadow work journaling prompts. Or, you should walk in the opposite direction because I’ll be an emotional bomb about to blow.

Because I am trying to take care of my pea brain I’ve decided I should probably take care of my…*barfs*...body too.

After years of counting calories (fuck you MyFitnessPal), working out as a chore, and praying for flat abs and a fat ass (Alexis Ren…this is your tape) I’m going to try and be a normal person about exercise. I’ve decided that doing a couch to 5k training plan will get me my vitamin D AND endorphins which will literally eliminate any and all depression that could possibly be remaining in my veins.

So I’ve been going slow as hell doing my walk/run intervals for literally one-mile maximum so far. And guess what readers…I am out of fucking breath when I do it and it feels awesome! I get to hack up phlegm, “jog” by the lake and listen to cheesy club music all at the same time. I’ve heard this is literally how Michael Phelps cross-trains (this is not even a little true). So what if I finish a mile in 15 minutes? It feels awesome and I have more energy to put away my laundry and play with my students at recess.

Who knows if I’ll keep up with this exercise routine. I’m famously inconsistent and love to make unfounded promises. Plus I just bought a TV so now I’m a “TV” girl. I can’t imagine any of you will be devastated or shocked to hear that in a week I’ve forgotten to workout.

Well, those are my major thotz for this week. I’ll see y’all next week with even more salacious takes and therapeutic insights.

Readz

Whisper Network by Chandler Baker

Lovies…this one is perfect for fans of Big Little Lies and lawyers because the characters are delightfully unlikeable and there’s the teensiest bit of mystery running throughout. As a content warning, it centers heavily around sexual harassment in the workplace. I’m halfway through and trying to connect the dots about how the threads will all tie together.

The Guest by Cathryn Grant

Okay, I will be honest. I rented this book as an audiobook and listened to it on the Greyhound. I kept falling in and out of sleep to it so I had to rewind approximately eight hundred times. However, I promise the end is so worth it. I want to make comparisons to other stories that had major twists and awesome endings but…that would almost spoil it.

The Lonely City by Olivia Laing

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this book on the blog before because I’ve literally been reading it for maybe three and a half months. It is a phenomenal read and incredibly well researched but it is the equivalent of a The Cut or Vice article with a million hyperlinks. Every chapter has so many cool artists and concepts that I want to look up and read about so every chapter has like twenty secret outside sources I explore. It’s gorgeous prose and such a fun examination of art and loneliness and urban settings. I’m truly obsessed.

Mediaz

Insecure

God I know I’m like thirty years late to this show but I cannot stop watching. I binge like six episodes a day at this rate. It is so funny, I love all of the characters, everyone is so stunning and smart, and I can’t stop talking about it. Thank god for Claire Mchugh!

The Other Two

Bridget Kamper...miss girlie you and Caleb Hearon have blessed me with this laugh-out-loud comedy. I will absolutely be rewatching S2 E8 in your honor. Everyone else, just trust us on this one.

Live performance of “nj” by Chelsea Cutler

Emily Cumiskey and I were watching YouTube videos together and had run through the typical SNL clips and music videos before she graced me with the gorgeous lesbianism of Chelsea Cutler’s live performances. This song is so good it literally convinced Chelsea’s ex to get back with her and now they are #couplegoals. Please watch if you want to cry or feel like you’re at an all-girls high school assembly.

Memez

My Meredith Marks t-shirt finally came in and I will obviously be wearing it to the Lorde concert.