It’s 12:30am and I keep refreshing the Frida Nipple column. Delilah definitely said she would post it at midnight. Right? Is she okay? Maybe that was her with Andrew Donovan by the lake. Isn’t that the start of every Law & Order episode? She texted me at ten to let me know there was going to be a Triple X meeting this week. Is two and a half hours long enough to report a person missing?
I keep typing out and deleting texts to Delilah. Should I try and masturbate? Maybe I’m still high and paranoid. I think I read an article about weed staying in your system for thirty days. Maybe that was just for drug tests. God where the fuck is Delilah?
Hey! Sorry for the delay bb but I just posted your Frida piece.
I look up from Delilah’s text and see my words appear on the refreshed screen.
Frida Nipple Dares You Fuckers to Call Us the Flyover States One More Time.
Okay...kind of a clickbait title but I’m sure she didn’t edit out the entire essence of the piece.
Hello fuckers it’s Frida Nipple here. I’m taking a break from being bored by the New York Times' annoying opinions to let you know that they don’t have an effing clue what they’re talking about. We’re not listless losers that have gotten lost online. We’re empowered and connected and tired of the bullshit.
I read the whole post. Delilah took a few creative liberties with the introductory paragraph but she kept the rest more or less the same.
My phone buzzes again with another text from Delilah.
What do you think?
I take a breath before responding. I’m loling at the first paragraph. Are there two Frida Nipples now?
STFU the exec board just wanted me to make it a lil spicier. But they luvvvved it.
Everything Delilah says is intoxicating. I look at the drawer my vibrator is in and consider relistening to the neighbors podcast. What’s the proper terminology for that kind of media? Sexcast? Porncast? I have to jot that down for a future Frida Nipple article. Goddammit I am so bad at being horny. Whatever I’ll still give it a go.
*
“Sounds like your vibrator has been getting a lot of action.” Lydia teases. We’re slowly returning to our morning routine of gossiping in the kitchen before we leave for classes.
Did Lydia actually hear me try to masturbate last night? I did have headphones in. I wanted to listen to the podcast about childhood best friends having sex after a high school reunion. Should I play music out loud next time?
“Are you sure that wasn’t just the sound of my phone buzzing because my Frida Nipple post got so many hits?” I smile. It seems like everyone at Pioneer is obsessed with what I wrote. This week’s post has gotten over four hundred likes in the eight hours it’s been live. I wonder if the New York Times will comment on it.
“I actually meant to tell you but I loved what you wrote. I always knew you were talented but now I’m kind of pissed we didn’t utilize you as a writer for the paper.” She turns the coffee maker on.
“Thanks Lyd, that means a lot. But, you are forgetting that I technically am writing for the paper right now.”
“Oh true. I’ve been meaning to ask--are you sure you still want to write that Triple X expose?” She pours oat milk into her thermos. We’re both huge fans of our coffees being morning milkshakes.
I can’t help but think about how fun it would be to write a “Sexpose” for the school paper. Should I feel weird about taking notes after hanging out with Delilah?
“Yeah, I still want to write it.” I take my phone out. Delilah has texted me and she wants to grab coffee. I need to get a job soon if we’re gonna keep going to Braxton’s every day.
“Okay cause if you’re actually committed to writing it I’m gonna need you to turn notes in to me. Maybe like observations after every Triple X meeting. Quotes from Delilah. Anything juicy that you think could go into an article. See if you can find out how they got all those vibrators. Was it a donation? Did they raise money to buy them? That kind of thing.” Lydia is in full journalist mode. She still has her impish grin, but the rest of her face is all business.
“Aye aye captain. I will be sure to start taking notes.” I roll my eyes.
“How about I start a Google Doc and share it with you. That way you can just type on your phone while you’re at the meetings or with Triple X people and it just looks like you’re texting.” Lydia whips her phone out and starts maniacally typing.
My phone beeps with an email alert that Lydia has shared a Google Doc with me. I want to tease her that she’s so quick that she would do well at TMZ but I don’t think she’d laugh.
“Okay cool. So, yeah. Just write your notes in that Google Doc and I’ll highlight whatever I think would make the most interesting story.” Lydia checks her phone, “Oh shit I’m gonna be late to class. See you later!”
*
Delilah and I are sitting at a high top table. She said she’s working on administrative stuff for Triple X and I’m trying to get some homework done. We have a meeting tonight and I have a feeling it will run late.
“So what’d you get up to last night?” Delilah smirks.
“What do you mean?” I’m confused and look up from my laptop.
“I promise I’m not spying on you but I saw you in a car by the lake with that school photographer from the protest. Does Frida have a secret lover she’s hiding?” Delilah pokes her pen into my bicep. I flinch.
“I’ll tell you all about last night if you tell me what you were doing by the lake.” I raise my eyebrows, “I thought I had seen you but wasn’t sure.”
“You’re so right. Pioneer is just flooded with girls that look just like me.” Delilah giggles.
I mean, yeah. Pioneer is like forty-percent white women. Granted, not all of them wear fake tattoos and purple faux fur but that look is kind of becoming trendy again.
“I’m pretty sure I saw you with that suit guy too. Andrew...Donovan right?”
Delilah’s face flushes. “Andrew’s just a friend.”
“Oh I’m sure that’s all it is.” I drag out the word “sure” so she knows I’m calling her on her bullshit.
“Okay fine. Andrew and I are kind of dating right now. It’s totally casual and since we’re both super into Triple X we agreed to keep things open. I don’t want some investment bro to keep me from exploring my sexuality.” Delilah looks around the coffeeshop to make sure that no one’s listening to our conversation. It seems like everyone around us has Airpods in.
“Oh wow. How long have you two been seeing each other?” My heart feels heavy. I didn’t think Delilah was dating anyone. I guess that was dumb of me since she’s literally the president of a sex club.
“It’s kind of a crazy story so buckle up babes.” Delilah squeezes my forearm. Her long fingers wrap all the way around me.
“I’ve got time.”
*
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