I wake up to the sound of my phone falling off my bedside table. Delilah’s calling me.
“Hello?” My voice is scratchy. What time is it? It’s still dark out.
“Hey slut. I’m gonna be by your place in ten okay? I brought you a t-shirt.”
“What time is it?” I rub my eyes.
“We’re running late. It’s already four. Fuck Yourself starts in like four hours and we don’t have anything set up. See you soon.” She hangs up and I realize she means it’s four in the morning. Why does sex positivity have to take place so early in the morning? Isn’t it kind of a nighttime set of beliefs?
I pull a pair of black leggings on and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I trip in the hallway and crash onto the floor. Lydia bursts out of her room.
“What the fuck are you up so early for?” Lydia’s eyes are red and she looks pissed.
“Delilah said we have to start getting ready for Fuck Yourself Fun Fest now. It starts at eight I think.” I shrug.
“You’re kind of an awful spy you know that. I’ve barely seen you these past few weeks. Are you even taking notes? And I’m sure you haven’t talked to Delilah about what she did to me. Or, maybe you have and you just don’t give a shit. Whatever. Go have fun fucking yourself Erin.” Why is Lydia in attack mode right now?
“Jesus Lydia. I’ll ask her about it today. I don’t know why you’re being so bitchy right now.” I look at my phone. “I have to go. Delilah’s here. Can we talk tonight? You’re not acting like yourself at all.”
“I’m not acting like myself?” Lydia laughs, “Whatever. Just leave me out of whatever it is you guys are putting together. I’m not going to get involved in another Delilah-induced disaster.”
*
“Today’s gonna be nuts. Do you see my hands? They’re shaking.” Delilah holds her long fingers out. They’re tremoring in the early-morning haze.
“Are you sure that’s not because of your coffee? My dad had to cut caffeine out because his hands were shaking so badly.” It’s cold out and I was in such a rush to get away from Lydia that I forgot to grab a jacket. Delilah had brought me a hot cup of dining hall coffee that’s keeping my hands warm.
“Speaking of dads...did you listen to the podcast I sent? Which episode did you listen to? Step-daughter and DILF bang in an Airbnb is a classic.” Delilah hip bumps me.
“I actually listened to the neighbors one. With the dog trampling the tomatoes.” My cheeks flush. Do I tell her I forgot to do the part she’d asked me to do? I felt so guilty about stealing that I hid the vibrator at the bottom of my underwear drawer.
“Ooh I don’t think I’ve listened to that one. What’d you think?” We’re getting closer to the rec plex. Is Fuck Yourself going to take place at the gym?
“I’m actually embarrassed to say this but I forgot to do the actually jerking-off part.” I look at my feet.
Delilah stops walking and laughs out loud. “Erin. You’re never going to have a fulfilling sex life if you can’t figure out how to get yourself off. A self-supplied gaz is the best gaz out there.”
“Gaz?”
“Orgasm. Please tell me you’ve orgasmed before.” Delilah stares at me with pitying eyes. “Oh my god, you haven’t. Okay well, that must change immediately. But right now we have to grab these boxes and set up.” Delilah pulls a key out and unlocks an emergency exit door to the rec plex.
We walk in and there are three huge boxes right by the door. There’s a smaller box to the side. Delilah pulls a pen out of her tote bag and stabs the middle of the tape. Once it’s open, she pulls an XL t-shirt and a beanie hat out and throws them at me.
“We’re all gonna wear matching t-shirts and face masks.”
“Face masks?” I hold the hat and look at Delilah.
“We copied it from Pussy Riot. They’re like huge hats with eye and mouth holes. It’ll protect your identity. No one from Triple X should lose their scholarship to Pioneer because they wanted to make a statement.” Delilah says.
I’m not sure how to feel about this uniform. What does the shirt even say?
I unfold the t-shirt and it’s black with hot pink “TRIPLE X SAYS FUCK YOURSELF.” Well, that’s definitely a statement.
“Put it on! We’ve gotta get going. It’s already five. I can’t believe we’re running so behind. We still have to hang up all the posters.” Delilah rips her sweatshirt off and slips her t-shirt over her skintight turtleneck.
I always forget that she has huge boobs. Are boobs still considered attractive? I take my shirt off and see that I don’t really have any. Lydia has pretty good boobs. Oh shit! I’m supposed to ask Delilah about Lydia.
“Hey, Delilah.” I pull the t-shirt over my flat chest. How do I have a belly and no tits? Does God hate me?
“What?” Delilah’s tying the t-shirt at the waist. I think people call it a thot knot.
“I know you knew Lydia in middle school. Can you tell me what happened between you guys?”
Delilah sighs, “It was seriously forever ago and it’s such a long story. I’ll tell you the whole thing after Fuck Yourself okay?”
“Okay.”
*
The morning is abuzz with first year students that didn’t know the difference between a high school 8am and a college 8am. Groups of nervous eighteen year olds clutching their salted caramel cold brews for dear life start to spill out of the dorm buildings.
“Fuck yeah. They’re starting to come.” Delilah’s eyes look manic underneath the Pussy Riot copyright infringement beanie.
We had spent the past hour setting up the table with vibrators and flyers to hand out. Delilah said that they couldn’t advertise meeting times or location because then administration would just show up so the flyer was some sort of riddle. It looks like swarms of people from Triple X had plastered the campus with posters about STDs, how to perform cunnilingus, and the dangers of douching vaginas.
“Here they come.” Delilah whispers before she connects her phone to the massive bluetooth speaker. I didn't even realize she was planning to play music until WAP by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion started blasting.
A pretty girl comes up to the table, “So what exactly is this?”
I shrug, “We’re part of Triple X. I think the idea is that if the administration gets to fuck us over we should be able to fuck ourselves.”
She laughs, “That’s iconic. Can I post about this on my Instagram?”
Delilah bursts in, “Absolutely post about it. Tell all of your friends to get here ASAP. I know it’s early and that sucks balls but this is a movement.”
The girl’s eyes widen, “Shit you guys are intense. Okay I’m texting the Pi Phi group chat right now. People are gonna be embarrassed to grab one of these,” She waves the vibrator around, “but they’ll definitely want them. This is so funny.”
*
Within fifteen minutes there were swarms of students in the quad pawing for vibrators and chanting along to the Triple X members leading cheers. Some of them were empowering and groundbreaking and others just didn’t make any fucking sense.
“Students should not be punished for their natural urges!”
“Why do students seeking birth control get harsher punishment than rapists!”
“Gay gay hoe hoe student’s should be allowed to show hole!”
I hear Lydia’s voice and turn around to see her interviewing a Triple X member.
“What is Triple X referring to when your organization says people seeking birth control receive harsher punishment than rapists?” Lydia asks.
The person responds, “Ever since the new administration came around people have been put on disciplinary probation for distributing contraception in the form of condoms or Plan B in the dorm. However, numerous reports of sexual assault and rape have gone entirely ignored or unpunished. The health center won’t even allow doctors to prescribe students birth control or if the student is already prescribed birth control they must pick it up at an outside pharmacy and not the one on campus. It’s totally archaic.”
Cooper is taking pictures of the interaction and panning to the table where almost three hundred students have gathered to observe and take part in the festivities. It looks like almost all the vibrators have been distributed. I walked up to them.
“Lyd, Cooper, it’s me--Erin.” I tap Lydia’s shoulder.
Lydia’s face falls out of business mode, “Erin I really don’t have time for this. I have to report on student life.”
“Are you okay? Can we actually talk tonight? I know things have been weird lately but I seriously miss you.” I look at her with puppy dog eyes.
“Erin. I seriously can’t talk to you right now. It’s ruining my journalistic integrity.” Lydia sighs, “Okay fine. Let’s talk tonight. Cooper bought me edibles because I’ve been so stressed lately.”
Before Lydia can end her sentence I hear the sirens from a Campus Safety vehicle. A cop goes over the megaphone, “This is an unauthorized gathering on school grounds. It is distracting from academic enrichment and was not granted permission from the University. Everyone must return to their housing or classes immediately.”
The cops continued to demand everyone leave.
Someone jumps on top of the table and shouts, “Fuck no we hoes won’t go!”
“Miss we are asking all students to return to their classes or housing.” A cop walks up to her and offers a hand to help her down. I remember the news coverage of other protests and don’t remember the protestors being treated so kindly by cops.
I see whisps of blonde hair peeking out from under the beanie and I realize it’s the anal beads blonde girl. She continues to shout and throws a vibator at one of the cops. Everyone cheers and the cops lunge at her to put her in handcuffs.
“We’ve gotta go. Now.” Delilah pops up behind me and grabs my wrist. She pulls me away and I wave goodbye to Lydia and Cooper.
*
We make it to Delilah’s apartment. It’s cluttered with art supplies from the posters and smells like stale joints and burnt toast. I’m breathless and exhausted. How long have we been awake? It’s barely ten in the morning. I collapse onto Delilah’s cigarette burnt couch and her eyes are glued to her phone. She’s pacing between the couch and the kitchen.
“Oh my god Erin! CNN just tweeted about us. Triple X is getting so much press right now. Look at how much traffic your crush post is getting. We’re blowing up! What are you planning on writing about this week?” Delilah is elated.
I wrap my fingers around my bicep and say, “Actually Delilah, I’ve been meaning to tell you something.”
“Okay, spill. Wait oh my god let me guess. Are you married? No wait. You’re polyamorous and dating two professors? Or maybe--” Delilah talks a mile a minute.
I interrupt her. “No. It’s nothing like that. I actually have to confess that I’ve never really ‘dated’ or hooked up with anyone. I’m pretty new to this whole part of life.”
Delilah jumps up, “Oh my god.” She laughs. “This is iconic. We HAVE to make you an account on Cherry.”
“What’s Cherry?” I ask.
“It’s a new dating app for college kids. The founders of Triple X were actually the initial investors. It’s way better than Tinder in my opinion. Here, hand me your phone and I’ll help you make an account.”
I hand her my phone and wince. She downloads a bubblegum pink app and asks me what I want my username to be.
“Um, I’ve never really had a social media account so I’m not sure. Do people still try to do punny names or is that gauche?”
“Oh my god you are the purest creature I’ve ever met. This is hilarious. Okay we’ll just make your username freethepimple. I would say fridanipple but I’m assuming you want to maintain some anonymity.”
“So are you saying I have acne?” I brush my fingers across my chin to feel for bumps.
“No! You honestly have gorge skin. I just thought it would be a funny play on words.” Delilah rolls her eyes. “Okay, so let’s go through your camera roll. Do you have any pics that advertise your wholesome sex appeal?”
“I don’t really take sexy pictures. Honestly I don’t really take pictures.” I try to think back to the last picture I have of myself. Maybe from the summer when my mom and I did that hike in the Upper Peninsula? I’m sunburnt and sporting a toothy grin. I don’t think that communicates anything more than cringey desperation.
Delilah scrolls through my pictures. She lands on a selfie of me trying on a tie-dye t-shirt. “You look cute here.”
That selfie was taken in a Cracker Barrel. Lydia and I were driving home from her lakehouse. We’d spent the whole weekend giggling about her older brother’s friend that went on the trip with us. Lydia had a huge crush on him and we kept playing truth or dare. I had dared Lydia to kiss him. She didn’t do it so she bought me that tie-dye t-shirt we always joked about buying. I miss when Lydia was fun.
“The lighting in my apartment is amazing. Let’s take a picture for your profile right now!” Delilah bounces up and darts toward her closet. “Let me do your makeup first. You have such pretty eyes you need to bring attention to them.”
She pushes me to the edge of the couch and semi-straddles me with eyeliner in her hand. Even though I’d caught my breath almost an hour ago being this close to Delilah made my lungs feel shallow. My heart thumped in my chest and I hoped she couldn’t hear it.
Delilah finishes applying my makeup and uses one long finger to twist a tendril of my hair out of my face. I can smell the coffee in her breath. I try to hold my breath in because I’m not sure what my breath smells like at this moment. It probably smells like virginity or at least sexual frustration.
I close my eyes. Delilah laughs, “Open your eyes. You look pretty.”
She leans towards me and holds my face. Is this the moment? Is this what happens before you kiss someone?
Time seems to stop and then I feel soft lips on my forehead. “Mwah! My greatest work yet. You’re going to be drowning in hotties by the time this account is alive. Let’s take this picture so we can activate it.”
*
“So who exactly are you looking for?” Delilah asks. We’ve been scrolling through Cherry guys for twenty-minutes and I’ve said no to every single one.
All of the potential suitors seem too fratty or too proud of the dead animal they’re holding or too eager to quote David Foster Wallace or too much of something else equally unappealing.
“You have found something wrong with every dude that’s popped up. It would save me some time if I knew what you were looking for. I mean it doesn’t have to be forever love. Just something fun to write about as Frida Nipple.” Delilah combs her fingers through her hair and ties it into a messy topknot.
“I think maybe the problem is that all of the options are...boys.” I bite my tongue. Oh my god Delilah’s gonna think I’m flirting with her and I’ll get fired from Frida Nipple and go back to doing nothing all day.
“Do you want to raise the age settings? Get some more ‘men’ on there?”
“Jesus Delilah I mean I think I want to look at girls’ profiles.” My face flushes and I start to laugh.
She falls onto my stomach and starts laughing so hard I swear I see tears start to form in her eyes. Delilah says, “As the president of Triple X and questioning bisexual I must say that was not my proudest moment.”
“Whatever.” I playfully shove her off of me and sit up.
“So does that mean you’re gay?” I see the gears in Delilah’s head whirring. She’s probably thinking what could be better than a queer Frida Nipple?
“I mean I don’t know. I told you, I’m new to this whole thing.”
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