unpopped: chapter five

“What’s up fuckers!” Delilah slurs her words onstage. I think I’m the only one that notices but I feel a little embarrassed for her.

She’s sweaty and still looks stunning. The crowd of Triple X members is enthralled by her booming voice and I try not to look at her breasts. She was waving her arms emphatically and the crochet top was slipping around.

“We have Fuck Yourself Fun Fest tomorrow. I already talked to Triple X’s founders and they have donated four fucking hundred vibrators to tomorrow’s festivities. People are going to pass out decals of what we’re going to be spray painting around campus okay? This has to be extremely organized. Do not do anything unless one of our illustrious club members tells you to okay? Tomorrow you are all my dirty slut bottoms and are going to do what I say.” Delilah continues and she’s starting to lose me. Everyone keeps roaring in agreement.

She finishes up with an inappropriate Black power fist and jumps offstage. Should I tell her she can’t...do that?

“Oh my god that was a rush right?” Delilah hugs me. I immediately forget every critique I’ve ever had of her.

Before I say anything to Delilah a tall blonde girl takes the mic and starts talking about anal bead maintenance. She was insistent that we only use warm water and an antibacterial soap the sex shop sold upstairs.

“I love that brand of cleanser. I use it on my vibrator all the time.” Delilah beams.

“What?” I remember my research binge and wonder what vibrator Delilah has. I still haven’t bought one. It’s just so overwhelming. There’s so many choices and some are so expensive and I don’t want to buy one from Amazon and--

“Do you not have a vibrator?” Delilah’s mouth is in the shape of a perfect O.

“No I, uh, I guess I don’t.”

“Sneak upstairs with me. Let’s steal one while everyone’s down here. You have got to have a vibrator if you’re gonna be Frida Nipple.” Delilah grabs my wrist and pulls me toward the staircase. As we sneak upstairs the last thing I hear is the blonde girl distinguishing between porous and non-porous materials. I’ll have to look that up when I get home.

***

“So you’re gonna want to get a waterproof one. And I would recommend a charging one.” Delilah is showing me three different vibrators, “I call this style of vibey a Playboy Bunny because it’s shape looks like a rabbit.”

I don’t have the heart to tell Delilah that wasn’t the least bit clever but her face lights up whenever she shows me a new vibrator and I would do anything to bask in her glow. So I nod and coo when appropriate.

Some vibrators are so cute. One of them is bedazzled? Which just doesn’t seem sanitary or it at least poses some additional difficulties to maintenance and hygiene.

“Okay you have to take this one.” Delilah shows me a vibrator that looks like a bionic tool they’d use at a physical therapist’s office.

“What the fuck is that?” I laugh out loud because it’s so ridiculous.

“I call this the cunt punch. It beats your meat like fight night.”

“Well as sexually appealing as that sounds I don’t want to pulverize my vulva. Is there like a training bra kind of vibrator?” All of them boast unmatched horse power and battery life. I want something soft and gentle. Like a forehead kiss?

“God you’re such a virgin.” Delilah laughs and I turn beet red. How...does she know? Is it that obvious? What gave her the idea?

“Hey, I’m just kidding!” Delilah pokes my arm. “Okay I think this is the one. It’s easy to use and waterproof. Try it out tonight. I’ll send you the podcast I listen to before bed. You’ll like it.”

I hold onto the hot pink cucumber shaped piece of silicone. The price tag says fifty-dollars. “Is there anyone at the register? How am I gonna pay for this?”

“Dude we’re stealing it. Triple X brings so much revenue to this dumpster fire they owe us some merchandise. Besides, they can write this off on their taxes. Every girl should have a government funded vibrator. We’d save way more money because people would be too busy orgasming to go to war ya know?”

Nothing Delilah says makes any sense but I just nod and tuck the vibrator into the waistband of my pants.

“Oh shit I think the meeting’s about to wrap up. I’ve gotta say closing statements. See you tomorrow at Fuck Yourself Fun Fest. And please...fuck yourself before then.” Delilah kisses me on the cheek before rushing back downstairs.

***

I walk into my apartment with the vibrator sticking out of my pants a little. I hear snickering. Cooper and Lydia are spooning on the couch when I walk in.

“What the fuck is in your pants?” Cooper laughs.

I blush and pull out my latest addition to my sex life, “I got a vibrator.”

“Jesus Christ Erin don’t just wave it around you perv.” Lydia covers Cooper’s eyes.

“Lyd I’ve seen a vibrator before.” Cooper nuzzles his nose against Lydia’s forehead. It would be cute if things weren’t still weird with Lydia and I.

“Oh really? Who’s vibrator have you seen?” Lydia sounds actually mad.

Cooper launches into a diatribe about his high school girlfriend and how her mom was a doula and bought her a vibrator for her fifteenth birthday. His voice fades out once I close my bedroom door. I text Delilah.

Can you send me that podcast you mentioned?

OMG chill horn dog. You really ran home LOL.

She texts a link to the podcast. The link she sent is podcast porn about next door neighbors. I put my headphones in and lie down. The girl neighbor’s dog ran into the guy neighbor’s yard. The guy had just planted tomatoes and the dog trampled all over them. The girl is super apologetic and the guy invites her to sit on his patio and drink iced tea. Their voices are super breathy and extremely interested in each other.

I almost listened to the whole twenty minutes of them fucking on the patio when I realized I had totally forgotten to masturbate. I’d gotten lost in the story. I mean, where did the dog go? Was it still trampling all of his tomatoes or did they crate it at her house? How do these hot twenty somethings have houses in the suburbs? Do they not have student loans?

I’m so worked up about the literary limitations of the porn that I can’t bring myself to jerk off at all. At first I simply forgot to but now I’m too frustrated. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. I’ll tell Delilah that I tried and it just didn’t work out. I can even make a joke about waiting until Fuck Yourself Fun Fest.