I’m a coward and always planned on writing about this. Hardly anyone knows about all that happened. It’s kind of funny that I trust an audience more than my friends. He probably remembers this whole thing differently, but I’ve given up on trying to read his mind. This isn’t a sad story because we never really knew each other. It was just another thing that happened, and I guess that’s the saddest part.
We met when we were sophomores and had a class together, and he wanted my notes. He complimented my handwriting, and I pretended not to hear him. Everyone asked me for my homework because I always did the readings.
A month passed, and he made a point to sit next to me in every class. Instead of just handing me the attendance sheet, he asked if I wanted to do homework together that afternoon.
I guess I was ready to abandon my loneliness because I said yes.
We looked awkward when we were waiting to order. I doubt anyone was watching us, but I felt observed. He was probably deciding if he should pay for my coffee. I didn’t let him.
We sat at a corner table, and I unpacked my laptop and books. He seemed confused.
“What?”
“I uh, I’m just looking for an outlet.” He pulled a laptop out. The corner had a Dayton Beer Company sticker.
“What’s your go-to order at DBC?” I asked because I usually only order ciders, but that sounded unsophisticated, and he seemed like the kind of person that cared about that.
“DBC? Oh! I usually get whatever seasonal one they’re offering. I gotta be honest though I hate IPAs. Way too bitter.” He laughed, “How about you?”
I paused and thought about the last time I’d been there. It was a year ago, and my boyfriend was meeting all my friends before Thanksgiving break. I wore new jeans, and he paid for shots. None of us got carded, and everyone said he was a great guy. They couldn’t believe we’d met at orientation. I loved feeling responsible for his popularity. I got drunk because I forgot to eat before. We fought about it on the way home, and he called me a bitch in the Uber.
Back in the coffee shop, I replied, “I go for whatever’s cheapest.”
We talked about where we came from, what we studied, and what our parents wanted for us. His grandparents set aside an education fund and joked about voting for him. He said he’d always been class president, and it was unimaginable to everyone that knew him that he’d give up on electoral politics. I told him I took out loans and didn’t have a plan. I was studying philosophy and political science and gonna focus on graduating.
He played with his hair. It was getting late, and my paper was due at midnight.
“We should do this again.”
“Can we actually do homework next time?”
❤
We usually pregame at my boyfriend’s apartment on Fridays but I wasn’t in the mood. I asked our group chat if we could meet up at my place instead. The walk to the bars would be five minutes longer, but we could invite my neighbors that were always asking to hang out.
My roommates jumped on board. Someone’s older brother would buy us vodka if the guys could commit to being in charge of the beer.
The plans were working out, so I grabbed a White Claw and started a shower.
My roommate knocked on the door and said my boyfriend was here. I told her to buzz him in, and he could hang out in our room until I got out.
Steam rushed out of the bathroom. I grabbed another White Claw and walked into my room.
He looked hilarious on my twin-sized bed. His mom said he was almost ten pounds at birth and if you saw him now you could tell. I hugged him. He kissed my cheek. My insides turned icy when I noticed his hands shaking like they did when he’d tried to stop drinking coffee.
“Why’d you blindside me with the change in plans? I was gonna borrow my buddy’s beer pong table.”
“I’ve had a really long week, and I doubt I’ll even make it out. I kind of just wanted to chill. Plus, the guys next door seem super cool, and we could ask them to come over.”
I knew I’d said the wrong thing.
“Well, of fucking course you won’t make it out if you keep downing drinks before anyone’s even over. Did you even eat today? You’re just going to embarrass me like always and flirt with the fucks next door.”
I thought about the journal I sent to my dietician every week. She said I was making progress. Three meals a day and I donated my kitchen scale. He had to know I was eating. Did he read the poems I asked him to edit? He’d even made a joke about my clothes not fitting last week.
A few months ago, we’d bonded over all the ways we’d changed in a year. I don’t think my boyfriend expected me to gain weight, and I shouldn’t have expected him to be nice about it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you before I threw the idea out in the group chat. Can we please try and have fun tonight?”
He softened and took deep breaths. One of my conditions for staying with him was that he had to go to therapy over the summer. He just had to attempt considerateness for me to agree to compromise.
❤
I was on my third White Claw, and my roommates were making jungle juice. My boyfriend set up his Nintendo Switch and asked if anyone wanted to play Mario Kart.
“I will once I finish getting ready!”
I was applying eyeliner and asked someone to play a pop song. My stomach felt fluttery. Tonight was gonna be a lot of fun.
“Thanks for having us over!” Our neighbors spilled in with Budlights and shook my boyfriend’s hand. It felt formal but fine.
My roommate pushed me into our room. She giggled and held up a handle.
“I saved the last of it for us. We have to take shots!”
We laughed and pretended to barf once it rushed down our throats. It tasted horrible, but we took a second shot anyway.
“Alright champ, let’s get back out there.”
❤
The neighbors were nice in a weird way, but they brought beer and flirted with my friends so I ignored their awkwardness.
I was dizzy in the best way and wanted to kiss my boyfriend or dance or share secrets. I couldn’t wait to leave my apartment and fight for a spot at karaoke.
“To the bars we go!”
Since we were all underage we could only get into Growler’s, but every other sophomore would be there.
I was almost out the door when my boyfriend forced my arms into a jacket.
Suddenly I remembered last year when we were fighting at a party and he almost showed our classmates how much he hated about me.
“Stop! What are you doing!”
I’m tipsy and regretting platform boots and asked him to stop again.
“It’s like twenty fucking degrees out. Are you insane? You’re gonna need a jacket.”
“I know that. You just scared me is all.”
“Come on love birds! The line at Growler’s is gonna be a bitch if we don’t get going now.” My roommates giggled and locked the front door behind us.
❤
My older sister gave me her ID at high school graduation. She called it the pay it forward program. I was terrified of using it at first because we don’t really look alike but now I can’t go a weekend without it.
“Do you want anything?”
“Can you grab me a vodka cran? Thank youuu.”
I tried to play off my tipsiness and leaned against my boyfriend and smelled his body wash.
Music shook the ground and I was reminded that I don’t really know that many people at this school. My roommates and I joked about keeping our circles small.
The boy ran up to me and looked belligerent.
“Holy fuck, the brainiac’s at a bar!”
I blushed and told him this brainiac barely turned her paper in on time.
“Wow! I feel so honored! Let me grab us drinks. We can toast to you finishing your paper.”
We walked up to the bar, and he ordered us jager bombs. My favorite song from middle school played and for a minute everything felt normal.
“To Dr. Harper and our failed attempts at understanding her!”
Our plastic shot glasses clinked, and the drink burnt my chest.
“Here’s your vodka cran--”
My boyfriend threw his arm over a stranger’s shoulder. My syrupy go-to sloshed around and almost spilled on the stranger’s sweater.
“Oh my god wait--I have to introduce you two!”
I tapped my boyfriend’s shoulder and filled him in on my new friend.
“Hey man! I’m Mason.”
My boyfriend looked Mason up and down.
“Ben.”
“Oh fuck yeah a Cubs fan! Let me buy you a shot!”
Mason pointed to my boyfriend’s Cubs hat.
“I’m good thanks.”
My boyfriend turned to me and made his: is this really one of your friends or are you trying to prove a point face.
“Oh my god there you are! C’mon, we’re next in line for karaoke. I signed us up for ‘Pocketful of Sunshine.’”
My roommate pulled me towards the microphones.
❤
We made it back to our apartment a little after two. My roommates knew by now not to ask if I wanted pizza.
I knew I was drunk and should fix myself a glass of water but I wanted to listen to music and think about him.
After my three minutes and twenty-three seconds of fame, Mason rushed the stage and gave us high fives.
His easy smile sent sparks through my heart. I tried to dream about how much easier it was to be around him.
❤
We settled into a routine. Mason and I would grab coffee after class and talk about our parents. His parents lived thirty-minutes away and were always dropping off surprises. He asked if I wanted any of them.
“Seriously. My mom comes like, every week. It’s nuts.”
He brought a pie to class and begged me to take it home.
❤
I asked Ben if I could invite Mason to the Friday night pregame. He rolled his eyes.
“Why do you hang out with him? He’s a rich kid that doesn’t care if he drops out.”
It took everything in me to not snap back and remind Ben that his parents were paying his tuition too.
“I think he’s funny.”
“He’s an idiot.”
“He’s nice.”
❤
Winter break was coming up, and nobody gave a fuck about finals. We’d regret it when we applied to grad schools but right now we wanted to go out.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted to come over.
“We can watch Elf and make my grandma’s Christmas cookies.”
I was so focused on making a statement that I’d forgotten this was one of the reasons I loved him.
❤
Mason texted me a meme about poli-sci majors and I laughed out loud on my way to Ben’s. Snow was falling and I should’ve asked for a scarf for Christmas.
❤
The rowing team was only a club sport, but they threw great parties. Every room glowed with twinkly lights. I heard Ben’s voice boom in the kitchen. His cheeks were red, and that meant he was drunk.
Ben does well at parties because he looks for himself in everyone and tells stories I’ve heard before.
His favorite joke is about my roommate. He’d walked in on her hooking up and never let it go. I wanted to join in on the teasing, but something stung when she laughed along.
People pulled me upstairs to split a joint and ask if I could believe we were almost halfway finished with college.
I couldn’t wait for the yearbooks to close. Then I could forget the color of Ben’s eyes.
“What the fuck?”
Ben threw himself up the staircase.
“What the fuck were you doing up there?”
He was going to accuse me of cheating, and all I wanted was a breakup.
The staircase singed with shouts and I kept thinking that different cities would be good for us. Break’s so close. He just has to say sorry and he can be all the good parts again.
❤
Ben and I ended things in his bedroom. The posters I’d looked at during unprotected sex seemed to judge my reasoning. I didn’t have a better explanation than I just didn’t like him that much anymore. Dave Matthews and his Band disapproved.
❤
I drove six hours to my parents’ house and hoped winter break would last forever. Mason texted me every day, and I had to tell my therapist I’d stopped eating again. Mason must’ve heard about Ben because he texted me on New Year’s Eve. His well wishes came in an hour early because he lived on the East Coast. We were in different years when he said he was glad he met me and his new year’s resolution was to get to know me better.
❤
New semesters always smell different. There’s more hope in the air. This will be the semester I finish homework the day it’s assigned. I’m going to go to the rec every day. I won’t get back with Ben, and that will be okay.
❤
I didn’t know what to do on Friday because Ben was still having everyone over. My roommates asked me a million times if I was okay with them going. I didn’t want to be the kind of person to tell her friends no, so I said it was totally fine. I told them to have fun and to give everyone my love.
Mason texted and asked if I was doing anything.
He brought cookies his dad had made and asked if it was okay that he was stoned. I laughed and let him into my apartment.
We talked about how his parents weren’t happy about his grades and that his grandparents threatened to stop paying for school. I can’t remember if I said anything but if I did I told him I wanted to be a writer.
“At least you have a dream that’s interesting. I wish I could just get baked and look at the river. My family would be so psyched if I could write a book.”
“I could write about you.”
We were barely more than friends and no one knew he was in my room. It felt evil to kiss him and he took my shirt off. I asked him what he liked about me. He said I had an ease about me. It gave people permission to be themselves.
I don’t think I could ever live up to what I’d convinced him to expect from me.
“You’re the prettiest person I’ve ever seen. I’m so lucky to have met you.”
I knew I wasn’t pretty and this wasn’t luck. I thought about Ben and how this confirmed everything he felt about me. I felt gross.
“Mason, I don’t think I can do this.”
❤
And just like that, it ended. A semester or so of sharing and all it amounted to was discomfort and averted eye contact.
I tried to not think about either of them even though I’m writing this in the coffee shop Mason and I met in every afternoon. Our spot is empty, and I don’t have the nerve to claim a table for two. Maybe if I met someone else I would claim it again.
“You here for the usual?”
A smirky barista looks at me and I am increasingly aware of my body. I wonder if he sees that I’ve been crying. Would he like my writing?
I order my drink and hope he sees that I’m flirting.
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